If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
