If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
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me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.