If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
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*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Dead sexy!!
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.