If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
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Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.