If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
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“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.