If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
You Might Also Like
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I put the mess in domestic.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023