If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
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Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum