Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

Captcha: pick all the squares with worms

Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again

I’ve been lied to my entire life

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers

“How can I help u, Bowser?”

I need a loan

“For ANOTHER castle?”

A flying castle

“U have like 24 already”

IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER