If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
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“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.