If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

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Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.


Barack: Sign here, and here
Joe: And then the adoption is final & you and Michelle are my parents?
Barack: No, Joe


My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person


If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.


I’ve been using my 4 year old as an alarm clock for the last month. Let me tell you, remarkably consistent.


To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.


Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”