Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card

Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix

Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…

Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.

International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*

Me: Yep. That’s the one.

Crafting will have you running around your neighborhood fighting with the local retrievers over the best sticks. i can growl too you lil mfers, i need them for my pagan stick art

It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

*police sirens*

*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*

QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN

*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*

Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!

Me: I am

Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!

Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.

When ur friends with white people

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.