if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
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it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
The Punning Dead.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”