If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
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“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Autocorrect completely socks
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*