If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
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[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button