If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
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I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool