If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
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I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
oh my gosh!!
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
