Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.

Alexa, make out with the Roomba

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.

My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting

None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.

It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]

Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover

*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*

I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.

Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.

I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible

How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.

Her: Does your dog do any tricks?

Me: I taught him to lie on the bed

Her: That’s not impressive lol

Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee

i wish i could marry a nap

[first day working at DMV]

Me: I hope you like paperwork

Guy: I am not a fan

Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say