Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.

Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.

How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised

Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*

My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician

“Come out of your shell” they said

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

My reactions

1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.

I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

“You’re a nice guy”

One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.

Good morning, Twitter x

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up