Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.

Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it

Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions

Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that

[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd

The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?

#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.

wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class

me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend

My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet

friend saw this guy on the apps lol

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up