If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
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“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.