If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
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[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?