If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.

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A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT

-worms on Twitter


Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes


I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.


[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?


Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016


Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.


1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know


Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!

Me: You should post something on FaceBook.

Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.