If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
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Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go