If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
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I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
pep talk
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle