If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
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Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table