Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?

If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.

Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.

Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.

I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.

Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

Have you ever been so jealous of an idea

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!

All the slides were just pictures of me….

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.

Me: Is it just me…

Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!

Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there

KIDNAPPER: shut up

ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?

KIDNAPPER: no, quiet

ME: you should have gagged me

KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out

ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone