“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
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If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Me when I hear gossip
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway