If you want to make God laugh, inhale some helium then tell Him your plans.
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Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
want me to check your oil?
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone