If you want to make God laugh, inhale some helium then tell Him your plans.
You Might Also Like
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…