Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.

me: your wife’s surgery was a success

him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?

me: *shrug* I’m free whenever

When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:

I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.

The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.

I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.

I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?

Arrest that man!

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.

[to serial killer]

WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!

*killing intensifies*

i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all

[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.

So sorry

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…

My wife is available.

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

🙂🙃🥹

[Couples therapy]

WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.

THERAPIST: And you, sir?

ME: She’s always in a bad mude.

The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.

Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”