Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef

Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.

learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…

Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2

her: we’re engaged, Dad!

her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first

me: you’re not really my type

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts

Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be

Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…

The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.

stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses

The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.

why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism

[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there

Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:

“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again