Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.

Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?

Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?

Me: Rock climbing.

PT:

Me:

PT:

Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.

Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM

Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM

There is no winning 🙄

“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.

So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options

The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.

Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.

*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*

Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.

The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.