If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
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[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Expect the unexporcupine.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.