If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
You Might Also Like
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa