Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

He wanted to make sure😂

COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen

– Tom Hanks, probably

I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

dentist: when did you last floss?

me: just last week

dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true

me: sorry, i meant yesterday

dentist: what?

me: i mean i’m flossing right now

dentist:

me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job

parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it