Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

{during sex}

Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?

Unhoppy.

#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F