If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
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Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Cow it started Cow it’s going
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
🤣😈🤣
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!