If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
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Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Just this preview of the story is enough
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast