If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
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Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.