Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.

Me: I burn it when you leave.

The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..

Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?

How can you tell when a duck is a witch?

re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?

China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex

Me typing: univrsity

Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.

Me: Haha oops.

Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”

Me: Why would I say that?

Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.

What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.

And off to hell I go.

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.