If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
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[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.