Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking

One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history

a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

“Don’t take this the wrong way”

Translation: Prepare for insult.

Got ya covered

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*