If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
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her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
New menu item
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
This billboard speaks to me
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize