If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
You Might Also Like
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
the only organized thing in my life is crime