If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
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Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Every damn time
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.