If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
You Might Also Like
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
People buying plungers never look happy.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron