Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill

Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]

the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful

me: it can be

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

Guy who likes music

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*

Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

I’m trying to write.

My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.

I’m trying to write.

The dog is barking at the hammer noise.

I’m trying to write.

Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.

…I’m trying to write.

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.