Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.

i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.

One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it

Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.

*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.

I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?

This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.