If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
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The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.