If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
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Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*