If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
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My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
✨☝️✨
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
We need it on priority
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”