If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
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I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I’m giving up ice.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.