Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

KID 911: wats ur emergency

SON: cant find my shoes

KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?

SON: yes!

KID 911: then it is lost forever

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices

it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok

The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?

Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:

“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”

The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie

I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.

7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL

James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry

me: some of your colleagues are chasing me

[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.

Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…

At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

I was making a coffee in the office kitchen, and now a woman I work with calls me “Coffee Man!”

I have 1 coffee a day.

Offices are hell.

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

You ever see someone driving and immediately understand why they’re missing a bumper?

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.