If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
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If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
my one true gender
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!