You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
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I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Yup
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y