@2thestreetz

If you want world peace, your army should be made up of massage therapists. I mean, who could fight while getting a relaxing massage?

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@Fun_Beard

What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?

@sarcasticmommy4

My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.

@gianni_bcn

*Gets disqualified for biting opponent’s ear on a chess tournament*

@sammyrhodes

Learned from my 2yr old tonight that Jesus doesn’t like bananas. No word on cauliflower yet but pretty sure he’s not a fan.

@PwrFulWmn

I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.

@Jennarater

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.

@drewjanda

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

@CheryeDavis

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.