If you want world peace, your army should be made up of massage therapists. I mean, who could fight while getting a relaxing massage?

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What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?


My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.


*Gets disqualified for biting opponent’s ear on a chess tournament*


Learned from my 2yr old tonight that Jesus doesn’t like bananas. No word on cauliflower yet but pretty sure he’s not a fan.


I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.


Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.


Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think


If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.