If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
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Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5