Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?

Me: She’s a week old!

Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it

When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”

My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat

People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.

My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.

[Later]

Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.

Driving class: 10 and 2

Real life: 7 and french fries

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

Always give 100%

unless you’re donating blood.

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something