@mynameisntdave

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

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@KentWGraham

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

@OMGSoOverIt

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

@MichaelTrying

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

@ch000ch

9-1-1 what’s ur emergency

“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”

@dshack8

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.

@Darlainky

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

@InternetHippo

Me: An emotionally fulfilling job that also pays enough to live on
Genie: Listen buddy I’m not god

@HenpeckedHal

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.