If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

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I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.


(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.


What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?


9-1-1 what’s ur emergency

“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”


Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.


Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.


Me: An emotionally fulfilling job that also pays enough to live on
Genie: Listen buddy I’m not god


My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.