If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
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In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.