Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog

Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?

pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”

Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.

I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

2-year-old: Dad?

Me: What?

2: Are chickens real?

Me:

2:

Me: No one knows.

this is the best day of my life

Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey

Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

Weirdos gonna weird.

fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.

Just how popey was the pope today?

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.