If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
The day after Christmas is wild.
I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.