If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
My life coach traded me.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?