If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
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I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Has there ever been a more American story?
accurate
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely