If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
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Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
this is the best day of my life
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂