If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
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After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.