If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
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I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
For the orator and chef in all of us
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ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…