If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
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this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
never ask a starfish for directions
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
no exceptions
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
doing your own taxes
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.