Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

British people be like I’m Bri ish

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”

Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore

Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.

The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.

People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please