Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?

i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real

Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time

My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.

ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.

Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”

Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.

why count sheep when I can count my troubles

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.

How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter

I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.

Me: I lost twelve followers today.

Wife: On Twitter?

Me: In the woods.

Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!

I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”

i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: blurry