If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
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“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
relationship goals
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.