if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
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ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.